Week 1 BC: ‘Before Conception’

(c)Copyright ‘Secret Diary of a Really Bad Egg’ (Eggy’s Diary) November 2009. A.D.Fryer. Unauthorized use and duplication of this written material & front cover without the blogs author and/or owners  written permission  is strictly prohibited                        

Day 1 BC:   

 In The Beginning ……my dream.                          

Hi Moms,      It’s me…Eggy! Are you there? I am down here….hello!                          

Can you give me a sign? Yoo..hoo!                          

HELLO MOMS!!?                          

No luck…oh well. So near, yet so far away – very frustrating. How many Moms are there in the world? I guess I will have to just carry on acting normal I suppose. Here we go….                          

Moms Body Clock

 

 Well it’s Day One of my diary from your Ovary Moms and your ‘body clock is ticking’. I am told we have about 28 days to get ‘the deed’ done – whatever the deed is – so we better get a move on. (That’s if you still want me?)                          

I have been doing my homework last nite in preparation. I found some very interesting files in your Genes Chest. As well as songs, there are videos and a paper marked ‘Human Life Cycle’- a dissertation thingy with lots of red ink marks. Is it your Moms? Obviously I don’t understand it all yet, but thought if we just turn it all ‘back to front’ it might make everyone that bit happier? A small contribution, just in case you want me to be an intellectual when I get out…..                          

Philosopher Eggy

 

  Eggy’s Philosophy:                               

Life should really be backwards!                              

You should start out dead and get it out of the way.                              

Then you wake up in a nursing home, feeling better every day.                              

You get kicked out for being too healthy, collect your pension and then when you start work you get a gold watch on your first day.                              

You work for 40 years until you are young enough to enjoy your retirement.                              

You drink alcohol, you party, your generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.                              

You go to Primary School, you become a kid, you play and you have no responsibilites.                              

Then you become a baby and spend your last nine months floating peacefully in a luxurious 5 Star Hotel with 24 hour room service and everything on tap, until finally…..                              

You finish off as an Orgasm!                              

Doesn’t that sound better Moms? Maybe a little bit more interesting?                              

Oh, I also had this strange Eggy dream last nite. Was I a Rock Star or maybe a Baby Crooner in a previous life? I seem to know alot of songs and found some more in your Genes Chest along with some plans for a recording studio thingy. Is this your dream Moms? Very inspiring! I could turn your Ovary into a recording studio and practice while I’m waiting? Then we could launch our own compilation album, ‘Songs in the Key of Eggy’ when I get out. What do you think Moms? It could be part of our ‘Great Egg Adventure’.                              

Lots happening in here so better stop now. Not sure your ‘Nursery Egg Management’ really like what I’m doing. ‘There may be trouble ahead….’ (That was a movie video I found in your Genes Chest)                              

I hope you can dance Moms?  When in doubt, just take the next small step!                          

Your EGGY. 🙂                           

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Day 2 BC:

Editors Note: We are aware, like the Egg’s Philosophy, that the correct chronological order for BC: should be backwards. However for obvious medical reasons we must go forwards. Please do not ‘write in’.

Hi Moms. Still no news from you?                         

Maybe it’s too early in the cycle thingy or maybe you have lots of other better things to do; like finding suitable Dads? Will there be more than one- I am a bit confused about this bit?                         

I am afraid that things haven’t begun too well down here in your Ovary. Its getting very hot and sticky and the other Egg Sisters are so boring! But the worse thing that happened today was that your Nursery Egg Management told me, that as well as being just a plain, average, simple and unfertilized egg- I have a really Bad Attitude. They called me a Bad Egg!                        

Bad Eggy!

 

I only happened to mention that hanging around in your Ovarian Cave was not what I had in mind and could they hurry up the process a bit? It didn’t go down well. An official from your Nursery Egg Management made the announcement in your Ovary. A Nursery Foreman called ‘Blackberry’; do you know him? A spidery, colorless Cell with a real snooty, superior nature.                         

Also my ‘Eggy Philosophy’ has been banned and I have been labeled an ‘Anarchist! What’s that Moms? It was only a thought. I hope you managed to read it first though. Not a very good day really. Maybe you could write them a note?                         

‘Dear Nursery Egg Management, My Eggy has ambitions to become a Philosopher Eggy (amongst many other things) when he gets out. Please do respect his right to free speech as it may prove to be very beneficial and may even help to save the world from itself one day. Most respectfully yours, Moms.’                          

Also they have banned my Singing! They say it disturbs the other Eggs Sisters. I said it helps boost my hormone thingys and gives me something to do. They told me again to behave like a mature egg – but hang on,I’m not even fertilized yet.                         

So confusing. Its seems that both singing and trying to manipulate the ‘natural process of selection’ is definitely NOT allowed in here. Lets face it Moms; you can’t blame a simple, immature Egg like me for wanting to change things and make them that bit better for us – can you? After all, like you, I DIDN’T ASK TO BE HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE!                         

ERGH!                         

Your ‘BAD EGGY.’ 😦                        

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Day 3 BC:

Hic!

 

Hi Moms…it’s me again. Did you have a good time last nite? ‘Hic’ . Must have been something we both ate. We’re you out celebrating something?                        

I am sorry, but your Nursery Egg Management really doesn’t like me. As well as being labeled a ‘Bad Egg’, an Anarchist and banning my singing; they are now threatening to have me rejected from your Ovary this month! (what’s a rebel?) Lots of talk about periods and sanitary towels which I didn’t understand. (what’s a sanitary towel?) Now they have published their Official Ovary Fact Sheet today. Trying to control the situation I suppose.
Their Fact Sheet read:          
              

  • We are ONLY single, unfertilized, immature Eggs
  • We are some 19 Eggs split into two Ovaries
  • We are also known as oocytes or ovum’s
  • We are are all ‘female’ at this stage
  • We are a tenth of a millimeter in diameter
  • We have no life yet beyond the Ovaries
  • We are totally reliant on the Nursery Management & Cells for our food, protection and future welfare
  • Management will choose ONLY one Egg for ovulation & fertilization

What if I don’t want to be a female egg and why can’t I SING in your Ovary Moms? They are real control freaks. Perhaps you could write them another note?                        

Dear Nursery Egg Management, Could you please allow my Eggy to express himself freely in my Ovary. He is very creative. Yours sincerely, Moms.’ That should show them who the real Boss is.
Oh, a bit of good news though. Their report was delivered by a very pretty little Nursery Cell; all iridescent purple and mauve with long filament arms,very cute! I felt her move really close to me and another song came into my yoke. ‘Divine corona radiata….you make my yoke beat a little faster …. It’s so good that we met….although I’m just a nobody yet…..Oh will you be mine, my little cell divine….’           
              

That doesn’t make me a female egg does it Moms?                        

Tomorrow they are going to publish our individual Official Egg Reports. I can’t wait. This is already degenerating into a Nanny State.                        

ERGH!! Help!                        

Your EGGY 😦                       

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Day 4 BC:                    

Eggy Expert

 

 Got your blog comment Moms. Well I think it was from you. No name or anything.
Sorry it was such a shock. Pity about your headache.
I agree; it must be really odd blogging with an egg in your own ovary. Glad you went to the Gynaecologist though. Is he an Eggy expert? That Psychiatrist person was a bit rude though; does that mean I will be ‘highly strung’ as well? And what does he mean; ‘Further communication would not be advisable for Health reasons’. Are you not well? Don’t all Moms want to be in touch with their ‘inner selves’? I am sure we will get there somehow.
Had my Egg Assessment today. Not good. That Foreman from your Nursery Egg Management – ‘Blackberry’ – made the announcement in your Ovary. He read out our ‘Official Egg Reports’ off his gelatin clipboard thingy. I am Egg Number 8 by the way; don’t ask me why. “I am not a Number. I am a Free Egg!’ Where did that come from; this place must be really getting to me.         
              

By the way I have added my comments for you; just so you can better understand the situation down here and maybe help explain to your Psychiatrist person. (is he a real doctor of something or maybe just a bit crazy?)                       

Official Ovary Report for Egg Number 8                       

1. Must stop trying to manufacture and stimulate your own hormones. (but aren’t these the guys who will help me tunnel out of here?)                       

2. Must stop asking the other eggs in the Ovary whether they would like to be boiled, scrambled or fried. (Who cares, they wouldn’t know the difference anyway.)                       

3. Must stop flirting with the Nursery Cells as no decision has yet been made as to your own future sex. (but some of the Nursery Cells are so very pretty!)                       

4. Must remain inside your ‘Follicle’ until Management decides when you can come out. (the Follicle is the fluid filled bubble we all ‘hang out’ in at the moment)                       

5. Must stop asking- “Is Fertilization fun?” (Well is it Moms?)                       

6. Must stop Singing as it’s disturbing the other eggs in the Ovary. (but as I said; I am compiling my musical song cycle-‘Songs in the Key of Eggy.’                       

Overall Rating:’Very Poor with a really Bad Attitude- much more improvement needed.’                       

Current Fertilization Projected Rating: = ZERO                       

Treatment Schedule: Arrange for ‘One to One Counselling’ and ‘Administer Sedation’ if necessary.                       

It was all very humiliating Moms. They are trying keep the ‘status egg quo’ I suppose. One of the other Eggy Sisters giggled when ‘Blackberry’ read my report out. No yokey prizes for guessing who’s report was the worst. But that cute little Nursery Cell I told you about gave me a such a sweet reassuring smile!                       

Later I hummed a sad little song to help keep my yoke up….’A Foreman stopped my life today….so I took an Eggy gun and blew him away…Oh, ohh…oh,oh…ohh……Is it over Moms?….Is it over Moms?… Life had only just begun…Oh, ohh….It could have been so much fun…Oh, ohh.’                       

Hang on in there Moms, we will get there. Life doesn’t sound fair but there must be some good out there – surely?                       

Your Eggy 😦                       

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Day 5 BC:

Felt a bit more Ergh! today Moms.                       

Fiery Eggy!

 

 Slept on my Egg Report and had a really bad Eggy dream. I was burning up in a hot, fiery pit and screaming for help, but no one heard me. Woke myself up singing from my yoke though….’ Hell is an egg on fire….burning up with such desire….for a life he cannot see….and things that cannot be….How can this egg be free?’                       

The Nursery Egg Management must have heard though, because they sent down that cute little Nursery Cell to administer some sedation pills. But guess what; instead of giving them to me, she quietly slipped them to that other Egg Sister who had giggled at my report yesterday. How cool is that! I think I may have found a supporter in here.                       

Then that Nursery Foreman ‘Blackberry’ arrived and looked at us very suspiciously. He ordered that cute little Nursery cell out of your Ovary and then leaning towards my follicle said ‘ he was watching me very closely and if I didn’t show more improvement he would have me flushed away in one those sanitary towel thingy’s and then incinerated!’                       

Blue Eggy

 

 Told me this to frighten me I suppose. Not nice of him, but one must face up to the realities of life inside here. Are the prospects for life ‘outside’ any better than this though?                       

Perhaps I should try harder . What do you think Moms?                       

Your rather ‘Blue Eggy.’ 😦                       

  
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     Day 6 BC:    

A brand new day today AND what a day Moms! That cute little Nursery Cell I told you about, introduced herself today. Her name is Rowena. WOW!                    

  

Rowena

 

Up close in my Eggy yoke she is even more dazzlingly beautiful- a Corona Radiata in biology speke. All purple and mauve with those long filament arms as I told you. I can just feel the chemistry between us. Do you mind? She is just a friend really. I thanked her for helping me out with that sedation pill. Life is definitely beginning to look up in here.                      

Her job, along with all the other Helper Cells, is to nurse and feed us. Actually she has also been sent by the Nursery Egg Management to do my One-to One Counseling as was ordered in my Egg Report. Just what I need after those boring Egg Sisters! I told her about my non- conversations with them and she laughed; radiating an aurora borealis of color- Fan-bloody-tastic! She told me that my singing is still disturbing the other Egg Sisters and they are the ones informing the Management in order to try and get rid of me. How nasty is that!                      

She asked me how I know these songs? I said that maybe it has something to do with those Gene’s things or maybe even a previous life? Rowena agrees; maybe some form of re-incarnation as she calls it. Perhaps I was a Rock Star or a Baby Crooner in my previous life and I am only doing what comes naturally. Can you check out your Family Tree Moms and let me know?                      

But Rowena secretly admits that she likes my singing; it has ‘potential’ as she calls it. (move over ‘Egg Heads’- this is just what I need) We talked for what seemed egons. She explained some of the finer points of Ovarian selection and what would be expected of me if I was chosen. (what me?)                      

For the first time in these Ovarian nights, I slept as well as any egg can; bathing in the image of Rowena’s iridescent glow and smiling constantly in my own yoke: as only a simple, unfertilized, immature Egg does.                      

Then another song drifted into my yoke…..’You light me up ….you swell my songs….you are the Cell who can do no wrong…..Stay with me awhile and I will make you smile….you are the Cell of my life….and will make me strong…’                       

Eggy Dreaming

 

Goodnight my sweet Rowena. May all your Eggs be good Eggs.                      

Hope you don’t mind Moms.                      

I am still your Eggy. 🙂                      

                                      _____________________________________                      

Day 7 BC:

Hi Moms,                      

You have gone very quiet. No word and no more clues yet. Are you still following that crazy Psychiatrist persons advice? (Moms the word…I wont tell anybody.)                       

I can feel your heart beating though – its a nice slow rhythm most of the time, like you are talking quietly to me; but I really like it when it goes ‘upbeat’ – does that mean you’re getting cross or just excited about seeing me one day?                      

Rowena came to do more ‘One to One Counseling’ today. I am really enjoying it. She suggested making a ‘To Do List’– says it will help focus my excess eggy energy and help me concentrate on my future.                      

Hummed a little tune as I did it; ‘….I’m a bad little egg….I’m a bad little egg…..I’m a bad little egg without any head …..I’ve got no brain and I’ve got no nose…..I’ve got no fingers and I’ve got no toes…but I’m looking for a Moms that nobody knows ….so she can dress me in fancy clothes…’ Rowena giggled and waved her long filament arms about, like she was conducting my song.                      

Eggy To Do List                      

Get a real Voice.                      

Get a Body                      

Get some Organs                      

Get a Brain                      

Get a proper Name                      

Get a Girlfriend (or Boyfriend?)                      

Get some Birthday Presents                      

Get some Parents (how many?)                      

Get a Sex Life                      

Get some Friends                      

Get a Career                      

Get a Life…..but first                      

Get Ovulated…and then                      

Get FERTILIZED!                      

Yes- that’s it! Fertilization is the only way out of here!                      

Come on Rowena……Let’s head on down there!                      

Hey Ya!! Your EGGY 🙂                      

PS: Moms, I will write again next week. PLEASE leave your comments at the bottom here; it would be nice to know you care.                     

                                             ————————————————————————————                    

(c)Copyright ‘Secret Diary of a Really Bad Egg’ (Eggy’s Diary) November 2009. A.D.Fryer. Unauthorized use and duplication of this written material & front cover without the blogs author and/or owners  written permission  is strictly prohibited.   

Images Acknowledgments:   

The numbers listed below refer to the entries (e.g.,#1 is Front Cover)   

AF Front Cover 1. Microsoft Clip Art: 2, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 15. Dreamstime: 3, 13, 14, 17. You Tube Videos: 4, 7, 16.   

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